September 1, 2019
There are times when egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate hijacks my attention. I will be going along, and then I notice that I find myself feeling anger toward others. Then, I will experience a series of thoughts and sensations that are labeled as “hopelessness.” Conversations will take place in my head about how miserable and hateful others are, and then, ultimately, about how miserable and hateful I am.
This all begins with an almost imperceptible subtlety, and ends with a deafening assault of messages about my worthlessness.
Of course, all of it is an illusion.
This happened to me recently.
I tried making recordings, and I noticed that the recordings were still framed about the problem. Self-hate had hijacked my recordings, it seemed. How can I solve this? What can I do? Why am I like this? All of these are questions and fodder for conditioned mind.
I then made a simple “I love you” recording.
The first one I created was just me saying “I love you” as I pictured various people and animals that I love. I listened back and I began to cry. I had opened up a path to my heart.
I then made another recording in which I listed the people and animals that I love.
Then I made other recordings listing everything I love. I mean everything.
“I love music. I love avocados. I love dancing. I love clean socks…” And on and on!
What I discovered—and I think I have had this “discovery” multiple times in my practice—is that what really matters, what I am really looking for, and what I really need is Love.
Love comes in, Life flows, and the illusions melt away.
Sometimes, self-hate will come in at this point, too, and say “Ugh! Why can’t you get this? This is so simple! You have seen this so many times!”
And so this latest time, when I heard that, it occurred to me to just pick up the recorder, and I made another “I love you” recording. “I love that you are practicing. I love that you see this again and again. I’m always with you. I love that you come back.”
Gassho.
Gassho
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Make a recording about anyone or anything that you love. You can just say “I love you” or you can name the people and things you love. Start anywhere. Go on for as long as want. Listen back. Feel the love. And if self-hate tries to tell you that you can’t do this, then make a recording like: “I love that you are making this recording.”
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