A karmic behavior I’ve had for most of my long life that creates so much suffering is I wish for death and plot my suicide clings to me with all its might.  

Looking at this as part of the Yearlong Retreat stirred up a lot of emotion – mostly anger –directed at the Universe, God, That Which Animates, Divinity, Etc., for The Way Things Are, which is miserable, sad, and shockingly awful. 

That I still have this karma after all my suffering and hard work just adds to the long list of what’s wrong with life, the list I keep under the heading “What Was God Thinking?” (this list also being illustrative of another piece of karma).

A new game begins.

A few days ago I was feeling very emotional and stuck in suffering around this karmic behavior can’t get rid of and I called the Yearlong Retreat radio show. The question I asked between sobs: “How can I take care of the human while I tackle the karma?”

The Beloved’s (see chess poem “Tripping Over Joy” by Hafiz) strategic move

The response to my question was essentially that love doesn’t avoid pain. The guidance was to do the two-handed Recording and Listening practice. I am defeated and have nowhere else to turn, so….

I Surrender!

As I made the first five or so recordings I held the recorder in the right hand, speaking as the one suffering. I cried from sadness and despair, I cussed, I yelled, I cussed some more. I stopped recording and sat, then recorded again. As I began the third recording, I said, “Mentor, I don’t want to hear from you. I just want you to listen. That’s all.” I then kept cussing, crying, etc.

Checkmate

As the emotion was expressed and I got calmer, it dawned on me: Someone truly is listening here. By gosh, I’m not alone! I was also no longer angry. I felt sort of empty and peaceful – not that everything was all OK, but that I was OK within all of it. I finally let the Mentor get a word in edgewise. Her words: “I love you, my darling girl.” I burst into tears, not from despair this time.

I forgot all about the karma.

Game recap

1. The Universe declines to reveal itself to me as I rage against it. (In hindsight, an extraordinarily Fantastic Move on the part of the Beloved that I absolutely failed to appreciate for my first seven-and-a-half decades on the planet)

2. I get into such an emotional state I know I need help and call the radio show. (Authenticity’s inspired countermove after ego’s 10,000 serious moves didn’t work)

3. I receive guidance to Record and Listen. (One of the Beloved’s top strategies!)

4. No other options seemingly available I decide to follow the guidance. (The Guide will love that one.) I discover I am not alone and that I am loved. The struggle with karma is forgotten.

5. I await the Beloved’s next move.

Gasshō.

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