There was a time when I would agonize over my recordings. I would Record and Listen and think my recordings weren’t “good.” At times I would worry that “conditioning made that recording!” Often, I would listen to what was supposed to be a recording of the mentor offering guidance and then be horrified when I listened and recognized the voice of egocentric karmic conditioning blathering! “This isn’t helping!” I thought.

It was enough to make me want to stop Recording and Listening altogether.

Then, I caught on to what was happening. Conditioning was creating standards and a “right” way to make recordings.  Conditioning was getting all my attention in that scenario. It was using Recording and Listening as a means to cause suffering.

So, it occurred to me: What if I just let that go? What if I just Recorded and Listened with no standards about anything I was saying, And, then, recorded as a response to that, and then, recorded as a response to that, and so on. What if I focused on the process I heard in the recording, and not the content? What if I recorded and listened to do just that, and not to “solve” anything?

When I first started Recording and Listening, I was definitely doing it as a strategy to “feel better.” I was seeking advice from the mentor on how to “fix” a feeling, a situation, a set of sensations.  I tried to use Recording and Listening as a means to assure myself that I was a good person, or that I was worthy of love, etc. Over time, I noticed that none of this mattered.  Dropping standards, and dropping the desire to “fix something,” I was left with just recording whatever was there, and then listening to that and really noticing the process of the person I was hearing.

I can only describe this as pure magic.

Now, I listen to my recordings, and I hear the process. I hear how conditioning is trying to tell a story, run the show, and pull my attention. Ultimately, I listen to how conditioning is causing suffering. Then, like magic, the whole story seems to vanish. None of it matters once it is exposed.  Conditioning’s story is revealed as the illusion it is. With that vaporized, I am present and then next steps, if there are any, just drop in.

I can compare it to dreaming. Let’s say that in a dream I’m having, maybe I am looking for a way out of a room? I look around and I start to panic, and then I even ask someone in the dream for help. Then, if I were to wake up, I wouldn’t continue looking for a way out of the room —because I AM out!  The room doesn’t exist, the person looking for a way out doesn’t exist, and I don’t need any advice!  

Similarly, once conditioning is revealed, there is no need to “feel better” or fix anything.  Why would there be? It was just an illusion spun by conditioning. Amazing.

Gassho

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